I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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