just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
