Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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