I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
two words...techno handjob
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
