sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
