Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
