I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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