and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
whose ass print is on the piano?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
