I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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