He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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