Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
