I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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