i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
