true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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