I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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