Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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