That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
