I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
