I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
