I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
