I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have fence marks all over my body
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
