I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
