I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
