oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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