I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
