I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
