i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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