Porn is love you can see.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
