Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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