Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
