I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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