she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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