apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
so much tequila, so little girl.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
