The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
