Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
