I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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