Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
