how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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