Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
