we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
