I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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