I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
