i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i would one night stand the shit outta him
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
