good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
