Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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