Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
