I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
