I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
