i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
