so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I supernannyed him into submission
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
