It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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